Christmas Memories

Christmas went as well as could be expected this year. All of my family came to my house. It was nice to have everyone over. The fellowship was wonderful. I enjoyed watcing the kids open their presents. However, even though I had a house full of people, there were times throughout the day that I felt lonely and empty. I couldn't help but to keep thinking that someone was missing. Little Danny should be here, with us. I thought I did good though, I almost got through the whole day without crying. I know that he had a great Christmas day up in heaven, but I am just a little, no...alot, jealous that he is not here to celebrate it with us. But I do look forward to that day when we will be able to celebrate together. Oh, what a day that will be!

I was so touched by my family. They surprise me some times. My sister made Little Danny an ornament using plastic canvas, and my mom bought him a snowman ornament. They are both beautiful. It meant alot to me that they thought about him and went out of their way to do something for him. I love you guys! My mom also went by his grave and put some Christmas flowers out. I will have to post pictures of them later.
Here are the pictures of the ornaments.

 I received a gift from my mother-in-law that was so precious. She gave me and my sister-in-law a cookbook with all her favorite recipes. This is something that I will always cherish.

And even Little Bit enjoyed the day. Isn't she soo cute!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Why We Celebrate

At one point this year I was really looking forward to Christmas. I had imagined in my mind what it would  be like. We would have a little one to dress up for Christmas, buy a special "My first Christmas" outfit & ornament...all the fun stuff you think about with a new baby. However, it has turned out so different from everything I had imagined.

I had originally told Danny that I did not even feel like decorating at all for Christmas, I did not even want to put up a tree. Danny did not agree with me, of course. And after some thinking, I came to understand why he felt the way he did. And now I agree with him. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, our Saviour. Christmas is the reason that Little Danny is where he is today, happy for all eternity. Christmas is the reason why I will one day be reunited with him. How can I not celebrate...knowing that Little Danny has been personally invited to Jesus' birthday party in heaven.

So needless to say, we have put up a tree. We purchased two ornaments for Little Danny. Here are some pictures.

Danny's family has a tradition that we had to continue. For every child, they purchase an ornament with the year that they were born on it. Here is Little Danny's.

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Today I found out that a friend from work is pregnant. Before I go on, I want to be clear that I am very happy for her and I hope and pray that she has a happy, healthy baby. She has known for some time and just didn't want to say anything for a while. I also want to express that I do appreciate her being considerate of my feelings. She wanted our supervisor to tell me before she announced it to everyone else.

I just hate that she had to worry about me before announcing such good news. I hate that everyone feels like they have to watch thier words around me. I hate being "the girl who's baby died." I didn't choose that label. I wish this never happened to me, but it did. This is the hand that I have been dealt. I don't know why, I've probably asked God a thousand times. He hasn't answered me yet. But He did tell me that His grace is sufficient.

It's like the song says, "Even if He showed me, the hurt would be the same cause I'm still here so far away from home."  Even if I knew why God chose to take him, it wouldn't take the hurt that I feel away, because I am still not with him. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will see him again. I pray that we will get pregnant again...soon. Not that another child will take his place. No one could ever take his place. He will always be our first child. He will always have a special place in my heart. But being pregnant again will allow me to feel that joy once again. It will also hopefully take the label of "the girl who's baby died" away, and replace it with "the girl who is full of joy." I know that day will come. I just wish it was sooner than later.

For those of you who read my blog, I appreciate you caring about my feelings enough to continue to read. I would love for you to become a follower so that I know you are reading. Please feel free to leave comments as well. I would love to know your thoughts.

2 months...

It's been two months since Little Danny went to heaven. It just seems like yesterday. I still miss him just as much as the first day he was gone. His marker came in last Friday. Danny and I went by to see it Saturday. We took some pictures with Danny's phone. I will have to post them soon. It is nice, if you can say that about a marker. It seems weird to even write those words. It hurts to write those words. It was raining the day we went out there to see it, but we didn't care. I wanted to make sure that his flowers were still there like I had left them.

I miss him so much. I never knew I could miss someone so much. Not a day goes by that I am not thinking about him. I look at his pictures and think of the time we had with him. I think of holding him in my arms, kissing his cheek, holding his little hand in mine. It brings me comfort to think of the time that we had with him. It brings me even more comfort knowing that I will be able to do those things again one day. One day when we will meet again, where there is no sorrow, no tears, and no good-byes. Often times in the past I have said that I can't wait for the day when the Lords calls His children home. I now think of that day even more, I now have a greater desire to go home then ever before. Even so Lord Jesus come quickly!

Praise You In This Storm

I've been thinking a lot lately... I keep feeling that if I were to look at my current circumstance, I would say...why should I be thankful this year. My hopes and dreams have been shattered to pieces. My child is no longer with me.

While I was pregnant, I thought about Thanksgiving, and how it would be the first holiday that we would share with our new "little man". I thought, "how appropriate". We were so thankful for him and thankful that God had given him to us. I could be bitter. I could resent God for taking him.

However, I've been thinking a lot these past few days, and even though my child is not with me physicaly, I do have so much to be thankful for. God allowed me to carry a miracle within me for 36 weeks. He allowed me to hold a beautiful angel in my arms. He showed me how precious life is, and how I should cherish every moment that I have. He has given me more to go to heaven for.

Someone said that thanksgiving is different from praise. I do agree, however I can't help but wonder, how can you have one without the other. If you are truly thankful for the things that God has given you (even if it was only for but a season) than you can't help but praise Him. So even when I don't undertand, even when it hurts beyond measure, I will still stand and give Him all the praise and honor He deserves.

Here are the lyrics to a song from Casting Crowns that says it so perfectly,

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Do It Again

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. Everything looks good. My blood tests came back good. They couldn't find anything wrong with me that would have caused us to lose Little Danny. My doctor said we could start trying again for another baby after December 5th.

I'm excited about that and at the same time hesitant. But let me tell you, the Lord always knows what we need and when we need it.

My IPod had messed up while I was pregnant. I had downloaded some podcasts, but was unable able to listen to them. However, my sister fixed my IPod for me last week. She's so great! Well, yesterday I listened to a podcast sermon from TD Jakes called "Do It Again". I felt like God was speaking directly to me about the feelings I have been having about trying again. Let me share some of what he said:

What do you do when you tried and failed? When your dreams have been shattered, and you want to give up, because trying again means hurting again. It means risking again. It means believing again. It means hoping again. But God said "Do it again". When you've been through something so bad. You may have survived but something on the inside died in the process. You're a shell of what you would have been, what you could have been, what you ought to have been, because life has cost you so much that you're working with a deficit. But God said "I will restore that empty place in your heart." We have a God that will restore back the chance that you lost. God said, "Do It Again". God is not finished with you yet. So having all you have done to stand, stand therefore with your loins girt about with truth, put on the whole armour of God that you might be able to stand the wiles of the devil, and having done all to stand, Stand Anyway. I'm broken, but I'm going to stand anyway, I'm burdened, but I'm going stand anyway, I'm hurt, but I'm going to stand anyway, I'm confused, but I'm going to stand anyway, I'm weak, but I'm going to stand anyway. For the Lord said "I will restore", therefore He says, "Do It Again".

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." 
And so even though trying again means risking again. I am willing to "Do It Again", because I am standing on the faith that God will restore that empty place within me.

An Angel Never Dies

I found this poem today that spoke to my heart.

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

This world was worth, not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I’ll find your arms

Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,

Another child you’ll bear

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes

That doesn’t mean I never was,

An angel never dies.

Author Unknown

Danny's Flower

I found a website from a friend's blog, Say It With Flowers. I thought it was such an amazing outreach to families who have lost children. I immediately requested a flower for Little Danny. Today, Danny's flower was emailed to me. We chose a yellow gerber daisy because it is a vibrant flower. I wanted a flower that would represent the joy that he brought into our lives. Even though he was with us for only a short time, he brought so much joy into our lives. We will never forget those happy times. I now hold on to those moments. At times they make me sad, because I wish I had them back again. However, at other times I find peace in them. It's hard to explain the feelings that I have. The past couple of days have been hard for me, for some reason. I think about Little Danny everyday, however some days are just harder to get through than others. Some days I am okay, I know that he is in heaven and he is safe. However some days I am selfish and wish that he was back here with me. The past couple of days I have been feeling selfish.  I know that God's plan is perfect, and I know that I will see Little Danny again one day. However, all of that does not take my pain away.  I miss him so much. I just keep praying and asking God to give me strength one day at a time.

I hope you take time to visit Rory's Garden to see Danny's flower. It is beautiful.

Remembering Little Danny

On February 28, 2009 we found out that we were expecting. We were soo excited. We had been trying to have a baby for two years. We were full of joy to find out that we were going to be parents! I couldn't believe that it had finally happened.

On June 15, 2009 we found out that we were having a boy! Danny and I were so excited. Every thing seemed to be going great. With every doctor's appointment we had great news. The pregnancy was coming along great.  We couldn't be happier.

We starting making preparations for his arrival. His room was all set up...just waiting for him to arrive. Then after the long wait...that day came, however it was not how we expected it to be at all. I had imaged this day through my entire pregnancy. I imagined holding my baby for the first time, what would he look like? Would he look like me or Danny?  All the normal things a mom wonders about when they are pregnant. I could hardly wait for this day to arrive. At 36 weeks however, all of that joy quickly turned to sorrow when the doctor came in that morning and told us the news that I wish no one would ever have to hear. Our pecious baby's heartbeat had stopped beating. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't understand, I thought everything was going great. What happened? We were suppose to have a happy healthy baby. Why was thing happening to us? I didn't understand.

We delivered Danny Thomas Bunn, III at 7:27 pm that evening. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He looked just like his daddy.  Words cannot describe what I felt at that moment. The greatest joy and yet the greatest sorrow I have ever felt. I was finally able to see and hold my son that I had been dreaming about for so long. He was so beautiful. Yet all I could do was cry knowing that we would not be able to take him home to the room that had been prepared for him. We had so many hopes and dreams for him, that would now never be. That night as I laid in the hospital room, I could hear the babies from the surrounding rooms crying. My heart was broken as I held my lifeless child in my arms. I wished so much that I could hear his cry, even for just a moment. I wished that I would wake up the next morning and it would all be a bad dream. I wished that I could have my child back. I didn't understand why God chose to take my child before we ever had a chance to know him.

We were surrounded with so many loved ones. The support from our friends and family have been so wonderful. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been here for us through this time, all the prayers, people who have visit us, the encouraging words, and to everyone who has sent us cards. Words cannot express our graditude for everything. It has been over a month now since little Danny went to be with the Lord, however the pain is still very real.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that God is in control, even when I don't understand, I know that I can trust Him. I don't know when the pain will ease...I don't know if it ever will. However, I do know that through this I have seen God at work in my life like I have never seen before. He continues to amaze me everyday. It has been through His strength that I am able to get up every morning and face a new day.

I hope that this blog will help in the healing process, and to keep little Danny's memory alive. Even though we didn't have long with him here on Earth, we miss him every day. He will live forever in our hearts, and we look forward to that glorious day when the Lord calls us home and we will be reunited with him again.