Christmas Memories

Christmas went as well as could be expected this year. All of my family came to my house. It was nice to have everyone over. The fellowship was wonderful. I enjoyed watcing the kids open their presents. However, even though I had a house full of people, there were times throughout the day that I felt lonely and empty. I couldn't help but to keep thinking that someone was missing. Little Danny should be here, with us. I thought I did good though, I almost got through the whole day without crying. I know that he had a great Christmas day up in heaven, but I am just a little, no...alot, jealous that he is not here to celebrate it with us. But I do look forward to that day when we will be able to celebrate together. Oh, what a day that will be!

I was so touched by my family. They surprise me some times. My sister made Little Danny an ornament using plastic canvas, and my mom bought him a snowman ornament. They are both beautiful. It meant alot to me that they thought about him and went out of their way to do something for him. I love you guys! My mom also went by his grave and put some Christmas flowers out. I will have to post pictures of them later.
Here are the pictures of the ornaments.

 I received a gift from my mother-in-law that was so precious. She gave me and my sister-in-law a cookbook with all her favorite recipes. This is something that I will always cherish.

And even Little Bit enjoyed the day. Isn't she soo cute!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Why We Celebrate

At one point this year I was really looking forward to Christmas. I had imagined in my mind what it would  be like. We would have a little one to dress up for Christmas, buy a special "My first Christmas" outfit & ornament...all the fun stuff you think about with a new baby. However, it has turned out so different from everything I had imagined.

I had originally told Danny that I did not even feel like decorating at all for Christmas, I did not even want to put up a tree. Danny did not agree with me, of course. And after some thinking, I came to understand why he felt the way he did. And now I agree with him. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, our Saviour. Christmas is the reason that Little Danny is where he is today, happy for all eternity. Christmas is the reason why I will one day be reunited with him. How can I not celebrate...knowing that Little Danny has been personally invited to Jesus' birthday party in heaven.

So needless to say, we have put up a tree. We purchased two ornaments for Little Danny. Here are some pictures.

Danny's family has a tradition that we had to continue. For every child, they purchase an ornament with the year that they were born on it. Here is Little Danny's.

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Today I found out that a friend from work is pregnant. Before I go on, I want to be clear that I am very happy for her and I hope and pray that she has a happy, healthy baby. She has known for some time and just didn't want to say anything for a while. I also want to express that I do appreciate her being considerate of my feelings. She wanted our supervisor to tell me before she announced it to everyone else.

I just hate that she had to worry about me before announcing such good news. I hate that everyone feels like they have to watch thier words around me. I hate being "the girl who's baby died." I didn't choose that label. I wish this never happened to me, but it did. This is the hand that I have been dealt. I don't know why, I've probably asked God a thousand times. He hasn't answered me yet. But He did tell me that His grace is sufficient.

It's like the song says, "Even if He showed me, the hurt would be the same cause I'm still here so far away from home."  Even if I knew why God chose to take him, it wouldn't take the hurt that I feel away, because I am still not with him. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will see him again. I pray that we will get pregnant again...soon. Not that another child will take his place. No one could ever take his place. He will always be our first child. He will always have a special place in my heart. But being pregnant again will allow me to feel that joy once again. It will also hopefully take the label of "the girl who's baby died" away, and replace it with "the girl who is full of joy." I know that day will come. I just wish it was sooner than later.

For those of you who read my blog, I appreciate you caring about my feelings enough to continue to read. I would love for you to become a follower so that I know you are reading. Please feel free to leave comments as well. I would love to know your thoughts.

2 months...

It's been two months since Little Danny went to heaven. It just seems like yesterday. I still miss him just as much as the first day he was gone. His marker came in last Friday. Danny and I went by to see it Saturday. We took some pictures with Danny's phone. I will have to post them soon. It is nice, if you can say that about a marker. It seems weird to even write those words. It hurts to write those words. It was raining the day we went out there to see it, but we didn't care. I wanted to make sure that his flowers were still there like I had left them.

I miss him so much. I never knew I could miss someone so much. Not a day goes by that I am not thinking about him. I look at his pictures and think of the time we had with him. I think of holding him in my arms, kissing his cheek, holding his little hand in mine. It brings me comfort to think of the time that we had with him. It brings me even more comfort knowing that I will be able to do those things again one day. One day when we will meet again, where there is no sorrow, no tears, and no good-byes. Often times in the past I have said that I can't wait for the day when the Lords calls His children home. I now think of that day even more, I now have a greater desire to go home then ever before. Even so Lord Jesus come quickly!